i have floundered on how to execute, into words, the last 4 months of my life. i share a lot on my blog. and i felt like not sharing this was somehow leaving a truth untold….a profound experience kept secret. and that just isn’t like me. but i did it. mostly for my own protection if for nothing else.

hi. my name is amanda. i am 31 years old. i am pregnant.

surprise!

(it was for me too)

i see a lot of babies. a lot of soon to be moms and couples. most of them are my brides from years past. and i look, in wonder, at evolving families….loving families, every.single.day.  it is, hands down, the best part of my job.

and i’d be lying if i didn’t say that every time i saw a newborn i didn’t get that pang, that ache, to have another one. but then i would remember what we went through to get our own sweet (super amazing…not an exaggeration) little girls, and how happy i was to have them, and how great the business was going, and how i was in my 30′s now, and how our little house was perfect for our little family (in fact, the two cats made it feel crowded), and how, selfishly, i loved sleep. i mean, i really love it.

i had gone back and forth for years about trying for another. the first year we moved into the house, when Katie was 2, we tried and were successful on the first month, only to have it end in an early miscarriage (talked about here in this post). and with our twin loss (talked about here) before Katie, i just didn’t feel like i could bring myself to go through this again.

plus. i’m not a big fan of pregnancy in general. don’t get me wrong…its beautiful on other people, and as a photographer i am in awe of the human body during this time…my clients simply glow with their perfect bellies.  i just never feel…i don’t know…glow-y. my belly isn’t perfectly round. its like i have speed bump where my upper abs are separating, and then another bump where the baby is. i don’t feel like myself. i’m sick…not just in the morning, not just at night, but like…24 hours, head in the toilet, sick. oh, and those women who don’t start showing until they are 20 weeks…that isn’t me. i show as soon as the other line pops up on the pregnancy test. my average pregnancy weight gain between the two girls….75 lbs. (i know…i could have laid off the pint of ice cream every other night, but why?)

so, we decided we were done completely with having babies in  early July.

then.

20 days later.

life decided otherwise.

and it was like that scene from the movie Parenthood (great movie, by the way), when Karen (Mary Steenburgen) tells Gil (Steve Martin) she expecting their forth child. yeah,  Parenthood seems to sum up so much of my life in general…but that moment in particular sticks out. and, no, it wasn’t jump up for joy excitement in the first seconds, minutes…days…. but it came.

i am completely blessed to be pregnant again.

and this pregnancy has been blissful compared to the others. while queezy constantly for the first 12 weeks, it wasn’t unbearable. i’m still fitting into my regular jeans ( i can’t button them, but they still fit, so that counts, right?). i have never, ever, felt so proud of my belly. its still not perfect, and i am pretty sure i am measuring about 4 weeks ahead of my true dates, but nothing makes me happier than when the girls say goodnight to the baby by kissing it gently through my belly.

being 31 and pregnant, even unexpectly, was perfect timing.

and, i always preferred the roller coaster over the carrousel anyway.

i just love this time of year…finally, getting into the summer and all of the excitement of weddings and meeting with my brides for this season and next for engagement sessions. Kate and Jason found this amazing treasure of a location…Willowbrook Village, a 19th century historic plantation set in Newfield, Maine. i am always taken to beautiful places when i travel, but this really was a dream location for me, complete with carousel. i just cannot wait for their wedding coming up this October!

daily mantra: give all to love; obey thy heart…emerson.

DETAILS

the who: This discount is for family, children, and baby sessions only.

the cost: The cost for a session is $125.00. Book any time between now and the 18th of February, and receive a 25% discount on prints, and a 10% discount on products (albums, collections, digital sets). The session MUST be booked and PAID for by the 18th of February.

OH it gets BETTER (yayyyy!!!!): If you refer a friend (0r choose to book TWO sessions in 2011), and they (or you) also book and PAY for their session fee on or before February 18th, you AND your friend receive 50% off prints, and a 15% discount on products!!!

Even Better (still more!!): Anyone who spends $1,000 or more per session will receive a complete set of full size, full resolution, full awesomeness digital files, with printing rights, with a custom cd, as well as suggestions on where to get the BEST printing.

THE NOT SO FINE PRINT: Sessions can be booked any time in 2011, but the session fee  MUST be received by February 18th, 2011 to hold your place, and to hold your very special deal. There will be absolutely NO MORE sales this year, so this is your one and only chance to get this discount. Travel fee’s will be assessed to anyone outside the state of Maine. PLEASE READ THIS PART: There is a $300.00 MINIMUM print order required for these sessions. (but you get a LOT of great stuff for that!!!)

daily mantra:

i struggle with enormous discrepancies: between the reality of motherhood and the image of it, between my love for my home and the need to travel, between the varied and seductive paths of the heart. the lessons of impermanance, the occasional despair and the muse, so tenuously moored, all visit their needs upon me and i dig deeply for the spiritual utilities that restore me: my love for the place, for the one man left, for my children and friends and the great green pulse of spring…{sally.mann}

***

dear Mikki and Katie….

i have really been awful at this, huh? no excuses. just…..{picture me with my shoulders shrugged and a scrunched face and a look of ‘blah’ and i am wearing sweatpants and i am still in my flip flops even though its November because i think real shoes hold me back or something and i’m generally uninspired even though you both are cup overflow-ith with it as soon as the light of one eye opens and passes your long eyelashes in the morning}.

deep breath because that was a run on sentence, i am sure of it. {sorry Mrs. Mellor}

i am looking for full-on soul restoration of epic, Bob Villa “This Old House”, proportions. i go through this about once a year. where i feel the need to reinvent myself and become a different, a hopefully better, person. i don’t know if i ever do it or just decide whatever this is, might be good enough. perhaps this rebuilding is something that can be compared to the growth rings on a tree. i haven’t figured it all out yet. but i will though.

pinky-promice.

love always darlings,

i stood at the mail box. i didn’t open it at first. i love getting the mail even now that i am 30. what is inside? is it a letter from an old friend, my Grammy Tyler, or other relative? {oh handwritten letters are divine} bills? {most assuredly} checks? {rarely} a book that i ordered on a whim from Amazon? {i collect books during the summer that i won’t even get to dream of reading until January} i open the door to the tin box with red flag standing on bent metal post {it wasn’t me who hit it this time with the car… no…really}; just a tiny bit at first and then i peek with one eye inside the darkness…this is my way. i would say that the neighbors find me odd, but probably they just think i’m crazy.

inside?

bills. bank statements. the Rite Aid flier.

and the Anthropology catalog.

sigh….heaven.

i think to myself as i grab the stack…when i can afford everything in the Anthropology catalog i will be living the good life…

i think this all the way in, and past the threshold of our house, and see Katie coloring at the marred kitchen table constructing one of her brilliant drawings of cats. {complete with stripes or polka dots}.  on top of our too big for our little house table is Penelope the cat, stretched out and yawning and exhausted after morning of…well…laying on the table and yawning. Penelope is Katie’s muse.

“Penelope is silly today, huh Mom? she told me so.” you say this, Katie, as if she really did. so i believe you.

i toss the Anthropology catalog on the counter. and then pick it up again. i look at the cover for moment and curl my bottom lip over my teeth in pensive indecision for a moment. and then without another thought, freely throw it into the trash can. without even a page turn or a look see or a glimpse.

good life?

i have it all.

i have it in you two.

all my love darlings,

p.s. daily.mantra::  the world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning…ivy.baker

dear Mikki and Katie…

i can smell a tantrum in the Walmart toy isle from across the store. the embarrassment that oozes through the mile long isles of worn concrete floors and potato chips in bulk can be felt by every cringing mother thankful that it is not their own child (this time). the elderly people shake their heads in colossal shame, thinking poorly of “the young people of today”, and the underpaid clerks brace themselves for a clean up of epic proportions after the lady, with her screaming babe on her hip, abandon her cart mid-experience. i wish i could say that neither of you two have blessed me with your own spectacular rendition of Midsummer Night Dream meets Macbeth in a toy tragedy, but alas, I have not been spared this all too familiar motherly experience. (hence my plague like avoidance of any toy isle….ever.) still, i have yet to blame a child for any such antics, even in my hot faced, ever so close to crying and/or my ready to severely discipline state of mind. because, girls, there is “too much”. of everything. and we all get wrapped up in the “too much” mentality.  i stepped on yet another “Littlest Pet Shop” walking down the hall sleepily in my bare feet on the way to the shrine (otherwise known as the coffee pot) this morning, and cursed all that is commercial and excessive in explicit, inappropriate detail. and while i feel that daddy and i don’t spoil you rotten, the mounting “i want this” comments coming from the other side of the noise picture box where a commercial presents yet another plastic thing i am bound to swear about has gotten out of hand. and yes, i had a lot of toys when i was a child. too many to count or even care about. but it’s even worse now because instead of just a couple isles of semi nicely made toys there are 12-24 isles of plastic stuff made for a dollar and sold for $14.99. (next week it will go on sale for $9.99 to make room for more and more and more and more). and by the time you guys have kids, there might be 24-50 isles of worrisome, dizzying, “too much”.  and while it may seem like i am standing on my soap box and preaching about the evils of toys, let me say that i don’t think they are evil at all. i love toys. i even love the Littlest Pet Shop animals that i curse on a semi-regular basis. what worries me, girls, is what you can’t find in those endless isles of mass production. and that is attention. and that is a simple conversation. and that is (most times) education. and that is the joy that comes from togetherness. and that is love. and while a toy may certainly BE loved, one-thousand of them can’t.

oh and this “too much” thing applies for us adults too. there is WAY “too much” of everything for us too…and it all makes me want to crawl into the 19th century sometimes (only with toilet paper and toilets because that is just good stuff there) when things were harder i’m sure, but there was less stuff and more to talk about.

all my love darlings,

p.s. daily mantra: “sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” {dr.seuss}

Daily Mantra:

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

{the.indigo.girls}

dear Mikki and Katie….

i don’t have much to say today. except you are such genuinely good girls. you bring me more happiness than golden rod yellow striped tube socks and dunkin donuts coffee. i am so blessed my head could pop off.

all my love darlings,

p.s. daily mantra: “what you leave behind is not what is engraved on stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” {Perciles}

Daily Mantra:

Yes the world is the best place of all
for a lot of such things as
making the fun scene
and making the love scene
and making the sad scene
and singing low songs and having inspirations
and walking around
looking at everything
and smelling flowers
and goosing statues
and even thinking
and kissing people and
making babies and wearing pants
and waving hats and
dancing
and going swimming in rivers
on picnics
in the middle of the summer
and just generally
‘living it up’

{lawrence.ferlingetti}

****

something struck me in Conan’s speech…the honesty, and his overall non-bitterness about the whole situation. i never watched the Tonight Show regularly, but his last late night breath of thankfulness oozed out and glowed. his one wish…for people, especially young people, to not be cynical and to be kind. it really made me think…about the general attitude of our nation and our world and i began to wonder where the happy people went. last night, i tried to watch the movie Twilight. the kids (now that i am almost 30 i can say officially, i am safely out of adolescence thank goodness) in the  movie were just so sad. i turned it off an hour in. (please don’t pillage my person for saying so…) despite hormonal disruption, dealing with divorce (my father was actually divorced twice), drama filled break ups, and other issues, i would have to say that i was a pretty happy teen as were most of my friends who probably had problems far greater than my own. i am still happy. i really, truly am. but have you ever been around people that are cynically sarcastic, only to find yourself jumping on the “woe is me” bandwagon instead of resisting it? i do this all the time, and you know what….i am done with it.  there is plenty of good…overflowing good, even, in my life and in this world. being a negative person isn’t a good look for me…or anyone.

and thanks to the wonder that is the internet…

i came across this article written by Mark Morford of the San Fransisco Chronicle that is just brilliant…

Why are you so terribly disappointing?

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you really going to wear that? Why aren’t you right now cooking me a nice meal and wearing those hot boy shorts you know I love and saying those words you know I want to hear at exactly the moment I like to hear them, to make me feel better about everything, even though I probably won’t?

for clients who purchase albums, i offer a slideshow so they can view it directly on their computer or tv and check out every little detail of their book and photographs before ordering.

check out Brian and Melissa’s slideshow by clicking the link: http://labellavitablog.com/brian_n_mel/index.html