February will be our last month as “us”. “us” meaning just the 2 of you, meaning ‘just us girls’, meaning the tight family of 4 that we have been for almost 6 years. it is the last month of uninterrupted nights, the last month where we don’t have to worry about 2-4 hour feeding schedules and nap times, and diaper changes. in March, we will become a family of 5. this unexpected, unplanned addition of your little brother will make our house seem smaller, our car  too cramped, our lives more hectic, our sleep less slept, our laundry pile significantly larger (how can that even be??), and our hearts….infinitely bigger.

i worry as a mom. i worry that our little pact of ‘the Burse Girls Club’ might disconnect some…after all, we have all done a lot of growing up together over the last (gulp) 9 years. hard to say who has grown up more….i think it might be me. i told myself from the beginning of my pregnancy that we (or i) would be ready for him when he came, but i must have been fooling myself. have i learned nothing as a mother?  you are never really ready for anything as a parent.

you just fake it with love and hope you won’t need to call in mental health reinforcements, or an ambulance in the end.

i wasn’t ready for 2, but after a year of ‘adjustment’ (adjustment = failing miserably, falling flat on my face more than i care to admit even to myself, and giving up on sanity in general) i felt more fortunate every day to have the two most loving little girls. you guys have made me appear to others like i knew what i was doing with this whole parenting thing. when…..i don’t. at all.not even a little.

i just got lucky.

so, with all this worry, i decided to take on a project for a month to capture “us” as we are now. just the every day stuff mostly…’come as you are’ style. because i know “us” will change with William’s arrival.

for the better. for the crazier. but it will change.

love always my darlings,

this was in Rachel’s parents room. i bet they pass it 100 times a day. in the bathroom next to it, one of my favorite noises. friends, bridesmaids, and bride getting ready in an organized chaos of hair spray, mascara, toe nail polish, and face powder. laughter. i found this quote to be quite fitting of a home so full of it.

Rachel’s mom made her dress…and with it hanging in the living room all I could do was stand in front of it in awe. I see plenty of pretty dresses, but somehow a handmade dress always feels more perfect. More, I feel like I should run home and learn to sew before the girls grow up so I can make theirs too. She also painted the stairwell purple to match Rachel’s wedding colors and I couldn’t help but showcase that in the shoe shot.

She wouldn’t let her walk down the isle without it being just right….

Can I just say a special thank you to the wedding party. This wedding was a very chilly day on December 10th, and in this race against the sun setting we had planned out every pose by the second. I could not have done this without an incredible group. Despite not getting above 25 degrees, with the addition of a vicious wind probably making it feel even colder, I have to say that this is one of my favorite times of year to photograph.

our 35 + emails regarding step by step, minute by minute posing, paid off…huge.

and then it was time for the fun…

Rachel quote: “Dan loves to dance…get lots of shots of him dancing.” No prob.

And so it comes to an end. The very last wedding of 2011. I have to say, this has been one crazy, beautiful, and blessed season. Being pregnant has certainly added an interesting dynamic to the whole endeavor, but I am so thankful baby William (due in mid March) and my ever growing belly were more of a welcome sight than one of “Oh my God, I can’t believe your photographer is pregnant”, thing… which I said to myself…countless times in fact…as I was driving off to photograph another wedding.

Love and Warm Wishes to all of my Beautiful Couples!!!

daily mantra: where you invest your love, you invest your life….mumford.and.sons

sigh…..are these photos not more proof that i have the most beautiful couples and live in the most perfect place on the planet!!! (more than one exclimation point was clearly needed). honestly, i have spent the last 21 days more on the road than i ever have spent home, and my only reprieve and distraction from missing my family is the fact that i get to visit stunning locations, and meet up with some amazing people. Liz and Chris are just such a couple…amazing AND beautiful AND in love (my favorite combo), and I met up with them in the Bar Harbor area to capture some engagement photos before their wedding day in September at the Samoset Resort (another beautiful location).

the ocean was so blue green it almost looked like we were in a tropical climate (please see weddings in January for proof that we surely are not).

it has been 2,921 days since the best day of my life. its easy to remember this particular day, as it conveniently falls on the day you were born. on this day, almost 3,000 days ago, it snowed. april is like that in Maine…daffodils dusted with the cold, white confetti. you arrived exactly when they said you would. . .not a day later, not a day earlier as if you, yourself had made the date a promise to keep. you hate to be late to this day….and it makes your 8:04am birth all the more prominent and true to your personality.

your first moments were sweet, wild whispers in my memory.

whirling, merry go round ride with snow cone….joy.

you didn’t cry,  as if you held the world and its soul of secrets and knew that it wasn’t necessary to make any more noise in the universe than there already was. even your first breaths were peaceful, and to this day, i am not sure where your quiet spirit comes from. (not from me) daddy and i looked at each other in amazement, happiness, hope, and a touch of fear….i think all parents must do this. a sudden realization my existence, once so selfish in nature, will be gladly handed over to care for and protect our new, little being.

8 years later. a blur of time so surreal i have to wonder if i really lived it at all.

you like Hannah Montana (eye roll), ice cream…sweets in general, computers, anything that has to do with school, are a social butterfly, highly competitive (especially with your sister), smiling, clothes and shoes and jewelry, helping anyone who needs it, you are polite (almost always), you still get car sick on rides over a half hour long, you just read a book more than 200 pages long and told me that you wished there were more pages to read, you love severely and without question…every single person, you aren’t so quiet anymore, you hit baseballs like your grandpa, you like princesses and happy endings, cry when things move you emotionally, and you dance like no one is watching.

you are the thing i am most proud of in my entire life. (and katie too…i am proud of her…in a different way)

Happy Birthday Baby!

love you my darling,

dear katie and mikki:

this isn’t really a confession…more of a statement…because a confession might mean that i’m not okay with it. but, i am.

i live in my head a lot. mostly actually. i don’t know if its from being an only child or maybe it is just a definitive part of who i am as a person. i over think, i obsess, i dream, i dream big. i dream ridiculous. when i buy a lotto ticket, i honest to goodness think i’m going to win. i wouldn’t say i am already writing the checks, but the money is on on its way to the bank, and i am preparing  a  B and H Photo and Video order of the century. i dream silly things like i have a  maid and what her name would be, and then, i dream up the excuses i would have to tell myself and to others in order to warrant the need for a maid for a 950 square foot house. i love food…i dream about elaborate meals with cheese and chocolate and pasta. sometimes, when the house is quiet and i am alone, i will let the phone ring and won’t check the caller id…i let myself imagine who it could be before picking up. i won’t check the caller id. sometimes it’s nice to be surprised, even if it is a person you know. i dream in photographs. mostly i dream in 1979 Polaroid, it’s cyan smoothness…except for the sun dust and light leaks. every photo is perfectly imperfect moments of our life together that haven’t happened yet. always Polaroid. heads accidentally cut off, off centered, Grammy Young (my grandmother was a dreadful photographer) style renderings. no photoshop…just an authentic day.

when i was training for my marathon in 2007, on those endless 15-18-20 mile runs, i would dream about becoming a successful photographer. that one dream distracted me for miles and miles.

i dreamed of you two. a lot. before i was even pregnant, after miscarriages… a heartbreak so bad that i never thought my dreams would survive.

they did.

and the misfortune of dreaming so big is some major disappointment. failure after trying to attain a dream. the still empty bank account and almost attainable lens wish list.  the days i have to eat salad or go without butter. the negative pregnancy tests. the phone calls where it is just a recording telling me my cell phone bill is late {again…sigh}, the dust on the bookcases that i won’t get around to until April {maybe}.

the payoff to big dreams? in all that time i live inside my head and think of these ridiculous, seemingly impossible life scenarios….. sometimes, after a little {or a lot} of hard work, or a little {or a lot} of luck, they actually happen. they for real happen. and for every single person who has told me that i shouldn’t dream so big for fear of life-shattering disappointment…it was that dreaming…that crazy stuff that happened in between reality and my inner ear…that really paid off.

don’t let anyone tell you that your dreams, even your biggest ones, don’t matter or won’t come true.

of course, i haven’t won the lottery yet. but money doesn’t matter as much as Polaroids.

all my love darlings,

p.s. daily mantra: imagination is more important than knowledge. (some smart guy that is probably crazier than your Mom)

dear mikki and katie…

today i picked you up, Katie, and we ran through the slushy mud-soaked snow of the grocery store parking lot. i held your body tight to my chest and felt the vibration of your cherubic giggle radiate through to my rib cage . you untied your arms from around my neck and threw them into the ice-bitten air, your fingers reaching to what seemed like the top ceiling to the sky. you never felt lighter to me. i have carried you in my arms since the day you were born, and it was as if the freedom you felt in that one, single moment made you weightless. you tossed your head back and closed your eyes and i watched your soul come up through and saturate your beautiful face. the soft curls of your hair flew all around wild and feral.

time winked, and we were inside the store. . . moment over.

there are so many peices of time that i am sure i miss because i am busy and rushing and not embracing being a mother and all of the gifts it has given me. all of the joy.

but

i

didn’t

miss

that

one.

i write these bits on my blog, and i don’t know if you will every read any of them… but if i had to pick any for you to read it would be this one post. because i could write 1,000 lessons…a million and it wouldn’t matter. in the end, it is really you two who actually teach me, who fulfill me….the most.

thank you.

all my love darlings,

p.s: daily mantra: this moment contains all moments…c.s.lewis

as a mother, i have frequent, unrealistic, idealistic fantasies about your first dates, proms, weddings, and most importantly, grandchildren (lots). i realize this, and that either makes it more okay, or less okay depending on how you look at it.

despite my visions of  ‘the perfect’ love for you both, despite the fact that I KNOW, as your mother, that you are both flawless in every, single, way…i know you will be….

dumped.

(and while yes, i will track the guy/girl down, attack him/her verbally, and then proceed to diagnosis him/her with an acute attachment disorder, and send her/him emotionally, perhaps physically, damaged, on his/her way, it will…tragically…happen)

why? i don’t know why it HAS to be that way. but it does. and it will happen. and it is a universal human sadness. yet, in that desperate, emotive, practically suicidal, moment…it connects us all together and we become ‘one’ Kumbaya style . (that doesn’t make it better, by the way…it just makes you feel less alone…you won’t listen to this now, but i truly suggest that you embrace it fully).

it boils down to this one, awful thing….it hurts so deeply that you find that breathing your next breath will simply destroy you.

good news, though.

it won’t.

after days of burying your head in your pillow and crying until you need to drink a Poland Springs because you are too dehydrated to cry anymore, you will…in fact….recover. yes, damaged. yes, scarred. yes, you will wear your favorite sweat pants for days on end without washing them, and not shave for a ridiculous length of time.

but….alas….after all of that unkempt, crying, hairiness…you will emerge to love again. (no, really…you will) you don’t believe me, but you will. time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it does soften them, and make you all that more ready to handle the next big love of your life.

all my love darlings,

p.s. anyone, and i do mean any, single, person, who dumps either of you, is the most stupid person in the whole world because you are both so amazing i can hardly believe it….i can barely grasp the fact that you exist on this planet.

p.p.s: daily mantra: “when that happens, when that happens….get yourself some ribs, and some ice cream because you have been dumped.” (movie.quote).

ice cream helps just about everything.

this first one is one i have actually been waiting on a while. custom albums always take the longest, especially when going through a company that works with such fine, over-seas silk and materials as this company does. i have been opening this every day for the past 3 days, and i like it more every time i do. thick pages, linen prints, and just the most perfect color makes this album simply luxurious. i will be sad to see it go out to my clients tomorrow, but luckily have a few more in the making.

i usually am not someone to push the digital package to my clients. i love finely printed products…the look and feel of them. but for weddings, and families who want a lot of photographs, it makes scence to get it. (i also refer to a very reputable printer in their area or online to ensure the best prints)

dear mikki and katie…

as a little girl you will be perpetually bombarded with idealistic imagery of falling in love, relationships and/or marriage, finding your perfect one and only soul mate, and the white picket fence. even in this amazing time in the world where a woman can do just about anything, Disney movies with princes and princesses dressed in pretty dresses who fall in love, and live ‘happily ever after’ (along with their dancing dishes and talking horses) will dominate a certain segment of your brain that will not easily be forgotten. and even though i did spend a rather jaded month on the couch watching The Little Mermaid when i was in the 4th grade over and over (and over) again, i would have to say my personal favorite is Beauty and the Beast.

and, obviously, you know how crazy i am about the L word (love). i wouldn’t do what i do if i didn’t believe in it.

i have some news, though…and i hope you read this after your Disney phase is over…finding that ‘one’ person who fills you, that one, single soul mate…just might not exist. and before you loose all romantic notions, don’t. i’m not putting a cab-bosh on ‘happily ever after’. (although happy might sometimes not mean ‘ever after’, and ‘ever after’ doesn’t necessarily mean happily either….that is for another letter or late night discussion)

in 30 years of life. . . i have met my soul mate (that person who tests me, stretches me from the inside out, floods me with raw emotion and love and admiration, but also sometimes disappointment too…that person that makes me open my eyes to others, or myself so i can see the world through a different lens…a different view) many times. some of my soul mates have been my most treasured friends, or teachers and coaches, and some have been lovers or crushes even…because sometimes that unrequited love can teach you, and test you the most. some have been women. some have been men. some have been young, and some have been older.  and you know it the second you meet them. . . that they, for some reason you might not even be able to swallow yet,  are part of you. and you go through your life, collecting these priceless pebbles, from these most important people you will ever meet. and whether they stay in your life or not, or the relationship ebbs and flows like the tide, they were meant for you. and you, for them.

i guess what i am saying is, don’t get stuck on the idyllic notion of the one…and, instead,  open your heart and mind and take everything the world (and it’s amazing people) inside you.

all my love darlings,

p.s. did that even make any sense? this lower carb diet is killing my train of thought.

p.p.s: daily mantra: my mind is a neighborhood i try not to go into alone….anne.lamott