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i am a wife first, a mom second, and a photographer third. to the everyday client, or  a top of their field business pro, this would seem like a bad thing to admit. luckily, all of my clients are extraordinary, and they get it. reality is….well, it just is. and lately, maybe i have been missing that. my career is certainly important, but most days i wake up every day to the pitter patter of tiny feet against my hardwood floors, and i am nothing more than your run of the mill, traditional, stay at home mom and wife.

i have done a lot of “jobs” in my search for the divine epiphany of life long fulfillment and satisfaction when it comes to a career. i worked as a bagger at supermarket (who hasn’t right?), i have worked in a convenient store/pizza place/ place to get beer at 11:00am on the way home from clamming the flats, i have landscaped and tended plants, i have raked blueberries and trimmed trees, i have telemarketted for a once fortune 500 company (i was shockingly good at this), i have been a jeweler, i have been an internet support technician, i have sold cell phone plans…i have sold just about everything but houses actually,  and when my husband became a computer technician for a small town, i found myself, for the very first time since i was 15 years old, without an actual “job”….and i became a stay at home mom.

now…as you might imagine, being a mom is riveting, edge of your seat excitement on a moment to moment basis. right. actually…not so much. excuse my honesty for a moment, but the every day monotony of housework and child conversation can swallow you until you find yourself, one fine day, talking to the postman in 3 year old jargon when asking for a stamp to mail  your electric bill. (luckily, my postman understands baby talk, but you get the point).  i get up every day, not as a photographer, but as a mom. and its not glamorous, and my house isn’t always clean like i wish it was, and some days, i don’t wash the floor on my hands and knees (okay, i never do this….but in case my grandma was listening from heaven…i had to say that i DO), and sometimes giving the kids a bath can only be compared to running a marathon when you haven’t carb loaded, and you stayed up too late the day before.

but the truth is…the every day…is good. it’s REALLLLY good. ridiculously delicious even. and when the pitter patter of little feet run by my bedroom door WAY too early in the morning (helloooo, when do kids start sleeping in???), i should be nothing but thankful and full of…well, pure, uninhibitted joy. because i have it all…great little girls, a super sweet hubby, amazing friends near and far, a somewhat (cough) clean house, and i have the ‘every day’ life…the clothes hanging on the line outside, the cookouts, the flu seasons, the car pool to school, the pick up the dry cleaning, the drama free and relaxing nights at home…a completely thrilling every day life….

and a dishwasher. i also have that.

Daily Mantra: “joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are….” {marianne williamson}

Soooooo…another day that looks like THIS….

I decided that today we would spend most of the day in. What is a girl to do in Maine when its snowy, and cold, and just…late February?

Welllll…this….

and then the “spa lunch”…peanut butter and jelly..perfect day..

Daily Mantra: “love of beauty is taste, the creation of beauty is art…{ralph.waldo.emerson}

dear Mikki and Katie…

this morning we were sitting at the kitchen table doing homework. katie, you were there…don’t worry…you were drawing spiders. {might i digress for a moment and say that you mentioned that you would like to have a pet spider, to which i said no, and for future reference, i will always say no about this pet choice of yours so please find something semi cuddly to ask for next time} anyways, we were doing homework…homework, by the way, has not gotten any more fun since i stopped doing it. but Mikki, you were completing it joyfully, and seamlessly. as we were wrapping it up, Mikki, you said something unexpectedly prfound…”mom, i want to be a teacher when i grow up because i LLLUUUVVVE to help people realize that they can do stuff.” at the time i think i said something  ridiculously unenthusiastic like “awesome”…but in my own defense i had not had my cup of coffee yet and i was still sleeping even though it looked like i was awake. {yes this is an bad excuse for not paying attention to your epiphany, Mikki, but when you are a mom you will understand} later in the day, after you had gone to school, it did dawn on me {finally} how brilliant and amazing your statement truly was. i stood in the middle of the kitchen and all the times people told me i couldn’t POSSIBLY do something flashed in front me. sometimes, i listened, and gave up. sometimes, i moved on and did it anyway. somtimes, i failed. most times, i didn’t.

girls, don’t let anyone tell you can’t do something {unless its me…haha…joke}. when it comes to going after what you love in life {whether it be teaching, or being a mom, or anything really…or loving a person even}, don’t let a single, minute thing stand in your way. ever. not even me.

all my love darlings,

p.s. daily mantra: most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be….abraham.lincoln

daily mantra:

i’ve seen a rich man beg
i’ve seen a good man sin
i’ve seen a tough man cry
i’ve seen a loser win
and a sad man grin
i heard an honest man lie
i’ve seen the good side of bad
and the down side of up
and everything between….

{everlast}

Daily Mantra:

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

{the.indigo.girls}

dear Mikki and Katie…

a total unrelated photo today. sometimes you need a random photo, right?

last week i was in Portland on a session. while passing down a major 3 lane street, i witnessed an almost accident where one car came tragically close to side swiping the other. all i could think about was how blissfully lucky both drivers had been as i stopped at the light. however, the driver who was ‘almost’ (yes…almost, as in not actually hit, no damage done, no bumps or scratches, or calls to the insurance company) hit jumped out of his car in a furry and started waving his hands frantically at the other driver in the car, nearly causing yet another accident. i couldn’t help stare in fear and long to be home in my one lane roads in Rumford where if you almost hit someone you waive embarrassingly and perhaps shamefully, and the other driver just rolls their eyes and shrugs their shoulders, but continues about their day and probably has forgotten about it by the next turn.

i am an aggressive driver. some would say i am a bad driver, but i call it aggressive and i am comfortable with that term even if its a semi lie to myself. i drive so frequently over the state now, i know where my radio will fade in and out, the exact spot on the left side heading east on route 2 where a pothole will swallow your car if you hit it, and where i can and can’t get away with speeding. and although road rage rarely comes over me, i have been known to flip a few drivers off on Broadway in Bangor and once in a while in Brewer. {what is it about Broadway in Bangor?} anyway…what was the point in my flipping them off? i mean…even if the dirty snow covered windows of the Honda Accord were cleaned to a virtual mirror shine, they probably wouldn’t see it, and I always feel stupid AND embarrassed after.

be polite drivers. learn from from the close calls, and be thankful for them.

all my love darlings,

p.s…fyi Maine drivers…never speed from Wilton-Farmington, or anywhere in Skowhegan, or on route 4 from Turner to Auburn….just from experience, tickets, and almost tickets.

p.p.s…daily mantra: “the best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.” {dudley.moore}

daily mantra:

“your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. don’t be trapped by dogma…which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. don’t let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. they, somehow, already know what you truly want to become. everything else is just secondary.” {steve.jobs}

……

-10 years ago i was a different person going in different directions, and living in a different world. you could have found me crossing the snowy mall of the University of Maine campus…sprinting to my class because the closest parking spot was 2 miles away. 10 years ago, i was married, but not to someone i loved. and being married to someone you don’t love is harder than being alone. 10 years ago today, i thought i knew everything i needed to know about life, and that all that was left was finishing college and paying off my student loans, and finding the white picket fence somewhere in between.

-9 years ago…i found out i knew nothing and became a much happier person.

i met the true love of my life and we started on our journey to forever. not necessarily the white picket fence but somewhere in between.

even 5 years ago i couldn’t have imagined where i am now….that i would be living in, of all places, Rumford, Maine…that i would have my own business…that we would own a house {!}, or even that we had two cars that are actually running…at the same time…so we can drive them places. {yay!!!}

10 years, not without bumps in the road or without sadness, but with so much more happiness, fun, and more importantly…contentment than i would have ever imagined.

i wonder what the next 10 will bring. i am sure i will write about it then.

dear mikki and katie….

we are on the cusp of 2010. while i find new years resolutions are often bright lights of doomed failure laying in the shadows, i do feel that goals on an every day, every week, every  month, etc. basis are not only important but a way to measure your own personal growth.  so, i sat you both down on our living room couch and asked you, with all seriousness and formality, what your goals were for this up coming new year.

Mikki…your goal was to use better manners and whine less. this is why you are my favorite.  because despite this lofty ambition {one i should perhaps try myself even} you already have impeccable manners for a 6 year old. your other goal was to have more fun….which is brilliant. i think every one’s yearly mission should be to have more fun.

Katie…your goal was to eat more cookies and learn about rocket ships. hmmmm….yes. this was a typical Katie answer.

the dawning of 2010 has left mommy in a bit of a panic. first, i will be 30. when i tried to explain 30 to you this morning, Mikki, you said simply. . . “holy moly, Mom, that is a big number.”

awesome.

i usually make some ridiculously unattainable weight loss goal. i am not going to do that this year…set yourself up for success right? this year i resolve to eat fewer cookies {unlike you, Katie}. i will put my Jillian Michael’s DVD at least once a week, if for nothing else than to make me feel guilty for not having the fortitude to put it in more often. {guilt is a good motivator for me} moreover, my goal for 2010 is to simply hit the PAUSE button once in a while on life. the whirling, twirling of time this past year has left me feeling not only disoriented but robbed of moments that i didn’t stop and enjoy. 2010 is definitely the year where i unplug the computer more  and leave my blackberry in my purse {…in the closet…under a pile of neatly folded blankets which has a pile of dirty clothes on it….yes, it takes that much to get me away from my blackberry}.

so here is to more fun, less whining, more {and less} cookies, and more stopping to smell the roses, girls…

all my love darlings,

p.s. daily mantra: “sometimes you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down”….{kobi.yamada}

p.p.s: one of my goals for 2010 was to rebuild, and redesign my website. i am checking this one off the list: check it out! http://www.labellavitaphotos.com/

dear Mikki and Katie…

this year i am thankful for: having our own yard, even though i have to mow it; i am thankful for the fact that you both like broccoli, and for broccoli itself; i am thankful for Dunkin Donuts coffee, as it has become a near necessity in my daily routine and i do swear that it does make me a better mother; i am thankful for Noggin; i am thankful that Daddy just ‘gets’ me, and doesn’t ask me to change, just to “calm down a bit”; i am thankful for interstate 95, and although i curse it, it does get me home faster to you girls; i am thankful for my mother…my sanity; i am thankful for you, Katie…thankful for your Katiness (now a word in the dictionary i am sure), even though you test my limits daily; i am thankful for the night your daddy and i turned off the tv, took our chairs and our blankets outside, and watched the beautiful night sky…i guess what i am really thankful for is that we still make time for each other; i am thankful for elephant sized tears easily kissed away by no one other than me; i am thankful for you, Mikki, and how soft and gentle and loving you are…i am pretty sure you are the next Mother Teresa; i am thankful for mega sales at the Gap, and finding a recipe that i love….and that you all love too; i am thankful for pretty dresses; i am thankful for my camera and my computer and my fluffy kitty that keeps me company when i sit at it late at night; i am thankful for the stones i have left unturned….i wasn’t ready to turn them and i am glad i didn’t; i am thankful for the color of your eyes…both blue but both different; i am thankful for playing in the sandbox, and even the grains that get brought into the house on the bottoms of our feet and shoes; i am thankful for people who know how to sing, and that those who can’t still sing anyway; i am thankful for the man in the produce section at Hannford who always tells me the ripeness of the fruits because i can never remember; i am thankful for my brides this year, and those next year…they are so amazing; i am thankful for the movie Goonies; i am thankful that some days pass slowly, and some fast; i am thankful for good books, with good words, and great magazines i can enjoy when i don’t have the time for a book; i am thankful for inspirations and even failures of inspirations; i am thankful for red lips and lip gloss, and our little house; i am thankful for my blackberry; i am thankful for the liquefy tool in photoshop when i take pictures of myself  {not a joke}; i am thankful for dress up clothes and make believe and the monster under my bed; and speaking of my bed, i am SO thankful for my bed {so, so thankful}…..i am thankful for beautiful photos….

i am thankful for you. you, YOU reading this. i am thankful that you are reading this and that you know  what i am the most thankful for are my two little girls.

all my love darlings,

mommy

P.S. OOOOHHHH, and i am thankful for this adorable song….its wonderful that someone has finally written my theme song….

P.P.S. daily mantra: “its not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got” {sheryl.crow}

dear mikki and katie…

it’s ridiculous really. it is. life. it’s silly. sometimes. still, in all its nonsensical nuttiness, it isn’t pointless.

i hadn’t laughed in a while. i mean…really laughed. milk come out your nose, almost pee your pants, side tummy cramp laughter. i don’t know why. i hypothesize that the computer is starting to rot the funny cells i have left in my brain, and since i have been editing non stop for the last month, i probably have very few slapstick synapses left. it seems easier to blame it on my electronics, so i am sticking with that.

this week has been challenging. both of you home with an epic cold, too sick to go to school, but well enough to be absurdly annoying to each other, and to me. i had just started into a great editing rhythm in photoshop. open, sharp, pop, sharp, close. open, sharp, pop, vintage, sharp, close. and on and on.

i hear foot steps vibrate on the hardwood floor, but don’t look up.  open, sharp, pop, sharp, close. then i hear it.

insert whiney voice here: “mommy, can i have a drink of water?” i think about telling you that we are out of water, but  instead of that sarcasm, i get up and get the water, hand it to you all maternal like with a rub on the head, and sit back down at the computer.

open.sharp.pop.vintage. sharp.close. 2 pictures pass {out of over 2,223 that i have left to edit}, and i hear the foot steps again. i keep working but turn my head to look at you dramatically with eyes popped out like an insane insect. this look is supposed to deter you from asking for something you can get yourself…because while you are still under the weather, you are by no means helpless, and you have no fever, and you have been running up and down the hall, and you have been eating and drinking every 40 minutes, and playing dress up, and putting on a puppet show with our REAL LIFE cat.

the insect insane eyes don’t work: “mommmmyyyyy?”  the y drifts off quietly at the end of your lips. “can i have a juice box?”  i raise an eyebrow. the i just got a drink for you 5 minutes ago eyebrow. my expression is as good as the spoken word. “but, i’m really thirrrrsy.” i get up, open a fresh Juicy Juice, hand it to you suspiciously, and head back in to work.

open.sharp.pop.close. {one photo}

“MMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, my juice box is gone. now what do i do?”

since you are 6, and since, i reiterate, you are feeling relatively well health wise other than a nagging cough, i ask you to throw it away…as nice as possible. which, as it turns out, isn’t that nice at all.

“but the trash is full, mommmmmyyy.”

of course it is. of course. our tiny family of four is responsible for 99% of the trash in the Rumford/Mexico landfill. i leave my precious seat, my photo rhythm, my sanity…..to change the trash. to change the trash… again. and while i am changing it and thrashing about trying to get it out of the can, i secretly wish that even though i know that this may set back the womens lib movement a few years, i would really like it if your daddy changed the trash more often. or all the time. i am pulling on it, and pulling, and since SOMEONE crammed it solid full it is stuck (okay, it was me who did that, but that doesn’t make pulling the darn thing out any easier), and i’m swearing (not quietly), and yanking. suddenly it breaks free, and naturally, i was too busy employing expletives and pulling to really notice. and yup…it spilled all over the mud room floor. i close my eyes and sigh. i feel you watching me. i feel you already knowing that i am about to cry or scream or swear more or all do all three. i can feel you bracing yourself for it. i open one eye at a time and then we stand staring at each other for moment {perhaps 3 pictures worth of time}.  and i laugh. i laugh hysterically. a tears run down your cheek laugh where you aren’t sure if you are crazy or just plain silly or both. you aren’t sure if you should laugh too; you aren’t sure if that is allowed,  so you still stare until the corners of your chapped lips cannot take it another second and your bursting giggle falls out.

that is just ridiculous.

all my love darlings,

mommy

p.s. daily mantra: laughter is an instant vacation….{milton.berle}