dear katie and mikki:
this isn’t really a confession…more of a statement…because a confession might mean that i’m not okay with it. but, i am.
i live in my head a lot. mostly actually. i don’t know if its from being an only child or maybe it is just a definitive part of who i am as a person. i over think, i obsess, i dream, i dream big. i dream ridiculous. when i buy a lotto ticket, i honest to goodness think i’m going to win. i wouldn’t say i am already writing the checks, but the money is on on its way to the bank, and i am preparing a B and H Photo and Video order of the century. i dream silly things like i have a maid and what her name would be, and then, i dream up the excuses i would have to tell myself and to others in order to warrant the need for a maid for a 950 square foot house. i love food…i dream about elaborate meals with cheese and chocolate and pasta. sometimes, when the house is quiet and i am alone, i will let the phone ring and won’t check the caller id…i let myself imagine who it could be before picking up. i won’t check the caller id. sometimes it’s nice to be surprised, even if it is a person you know. i dream in photographs. mostly i dream in 1979 Polaroid, it’s cyan smoothness…except for the sun dust and light leaks. every photo is perfectly imperfect moments of our life together that haven’t happened yet. always Polaroid. heads accidentally cut off, off centered, Grammy Young (my grandmother was a dreadful photographer) style renderings. no photoshop…just an authentic day.
when i was training for my marathon in 2007, on those endless 15-18-20 mile runs, i would dream about becoming a successful photographer. that one dream distracted me for miles and miles.
i dreamed of you two. a lot. before i was even pregnant, after miscarriages… a heartbreak so bad that i never thought my dreams would survive.
they did.
and the misfortune of dreaming so big is some major disappointment. failure after trying to attain a dream. the still empty bank account and almost attainable lens wish list. the days i have to eat salad or go without butter. the negative pregnancy tests. the phone calls where it is just a recording telling me my cell phone bill is late {again…sigh}, the dust on the bookcases that i won’t get around to until April {maybe}.
the payoff to big dreams? in all that time i live inside my head and think of these ridiculous, seemingly impossible life scenarios….. sometimes, after a little {or a lot} of hard work, or a little {or a lot} of luck, they actually happen. they for real happen. and for every single person who has told me that i shouldn’t dream so big for fear of life-shattering disappointment…it was that dreaming…that crazy stuff that happened in between reality and my inner ear…that really paid off.
don’t let anyone tell you that your dreams, even your biggest ones, don’t matter or won’t come true.
of course, i haven’t won the lottery yet. but money doesn’t matter as much as Polaroids.
all my love darlings,
p.s. daily mantra: imagination is more important than knowledge. (some smart guy that is probably crazier than your Mom)
by amanda.b.
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